Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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