Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
