My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
