She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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