worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
