I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Houston, we have a blender
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
