if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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