a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
