My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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