You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
