That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
