my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
