You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
