His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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