I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
