note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
