the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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