I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
