I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
