Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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