it was like his penis was on wheels.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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