Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
