There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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