areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
