I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
