Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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