hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
