I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
