The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Two words: blizzard sex
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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