did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
