the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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