If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
