im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
