Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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