Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
