I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
