my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
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Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
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At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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