you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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