So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
