I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
