my being single is dangerous.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
