I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
