I think i peed on brittanys purse
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
