I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
