there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
