when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize