I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
