Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
