So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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