I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
