Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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