New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
