FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
