he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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