if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
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Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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